i know it sucks to be emo on my first actual post, but i guess this blog's main purpose for its puny existence in the first place was for me to vent my frustrated feelings. paper is too, troublesome. and ink isn't cheap, so there, my last resort.
an 18 yr old boy, what is there in life even meaningful enough to trouble me, yet teenagers can find someway to somehow make themselves feel weak, insecure, emotionally damaged and trouble themselves, all in the sake of tryin to empower ourselves. Pathetic ain't it? Yet a victim to this stupid phase i am, voicing out a useless opinion in hope of searchin for an answer worthless of, well, an answer.
here i am still, troubled by relationships. i've yearned for a relationship all my life ( not that its very long anyway, not even long enough to be considered a meaningful life ) for as long as i can remember. lookin at all my frens having troubles with their girlfriends, wishin i could experience that worry, that emotional turmoil as well. YET i dare to complain now that i have experienced them. oh well, all part of a stupid teenager's life dictated by worldly desires.
how should i start. well, i haf been with my girlfriend for almost 2 measly months now, and in short, cracks have already started to show. only for me that is. its inevitable anyway, so yea. bernette koh's her name by the way. dun get me wrong, i still love her with all my heart (oh yea like i know wat love is, okok not love then, terribly infactuated with), i just like lamenting. she's miss popular amongst older guys, and not surprisingly, she's one year my junior. (yet another "older guy" who has fallen victim to her inexplicable charm, her amazing maturity, and that stunnin beauty that accentuates with every word she gently lets into the world).
she told me yesterday about a guy that she used to like the previous, and the feeling was mutual. they were apparently quite close and stuff, but things soured towards the end of last yr. she messaged him merry christmas when he was overseas, and the reply was rather cold. this year (around chinese new year) she messaged him again "happy chinese new year" and again, another cold reply. so she got his drift. and they stopped talkin. until last week when he talked to her on msn. (OH btw he's overseas studyin or smth) they talked and he asked he out for a movie when he got back. and she said yes. i had no idea bout anything till yesterday, when her friend accidentally talked about him, and after me askin, she told me about him. i dun think she wld ever have told me if i never asked. oh and we got together only on the 14th feb. cny-14th feb. hello? isn't that kinda like, near? so it struck me that, hey i could have been the second choice, or last resort even. (okay not struck me cos its kinda like obvious now ). i dunno, i think i have the right to know yes? especially when i am her boyfriend. like she agreed to goin out to a movie with him 1 on 1. wat is goin on!?!?!?@#!@#$!#%$!$%!%!#@@#%
sry. frustration.
back to the story, she did not even tell me on the day she talked to him online. i thought, isn't it like expected for her to tell me about him and everything, esp when he used to like her, vice versa. MOVIES YO. AND ONLY AFTER SHE AGREED, she asked me can? wtf do u want me to say? no??? how can i bring myself to say that. i want to be an understandin boyfriend, one that gives her enough space. but this is like, mini adultery to exagerrate a little. if i didn't even ask, it wld all probably still be a secret, and on the day she went out with him she wld probably haf said "oh i'm goin out for a movie with a friend that just came back from overseas", conveniently skippin every other detail. i dun mind honestly, her goin out with another guy for a movie, like as friends. but HELLO??? CONTEXT???. i don't wanna confront her, cos it wld just lead to a quarrel, and i wld never be able to bring myself to quarrel with her. i wont even forgive myself if i say smth to hurt her in the fit of anger. i dunno. what should i do.
the best part is. its not really a one off thing. before this, there was this one other guy that liked her too. they were good friends before i came into the picture, but he only confessed to her when i got together with her. a normal girl wld probably go, oh sry i haf a boyfriend now. but she just kept quiet. and best, they continued talkin almost every night behind my back, after i slept. oh my god. in the end he found out that she's attached, but he didn't give 2 hoots bout it. not that it mattered if she refused to talk to him. but she just kept talkin to him every single fucking night (sorry i really tried my utter best to control myself). if i didnt find out and made it like a lil more obvious that i really hated her talkin to him, they would probably be talkin right now still.
i know she will never cheat on me. i really believe that. and i know i really love her. but i dunno if she loves me. its as if, i'm the second choice, the "oh well i'm stuck with you" guy. i hate this feeling. but i live with it, because i love her. i actually thought of lettin her go, because it seems as if there are 3546512335465 other guys out there who are better off for her. i dunno what to do now. and she just smsed me "i miss you!!!! ):". i just met up with her yesterday. so of course i am happy. but then wat is she doin then? am i gettin played? i hope not. because even if u put a gun to my head, i would tell you, i really love you bernette koh, with all my heart.
help world. really.
disgustingly long and draggy for a first post thingy. sorry people for wastin your time on such trivial matters. i admire those that even lasted till here. bye. hope that u have been entertained by this childish post of immaturity.
