at the cold rock swing. i really reached a point of realization.
as we sat there. i felt that we were so far apart. when we tried to move the seat nearer, the chains would just pull us back. its as though, we were prevented to be together. the chains being her family, her friends. her friends especially. so fundamental in holdin us up on our seats, but pullin us away. so i grabbed her chain, to keep us close. all that lil moments when we were swinging together, the times when we swung ( if theres such a word ) towards one another, we got to eat the ice cream. the ice cream was really sweet. but those moments lasted only for a while before we would swing back. while grabbin her swing, it kept us together, but it really hurt. initially it was okay, but overtime, it got tiring and really painful. i wanted to hold on, but she made me let go so it wouldn't hurt as much. she wanted me to let go. throughout, i was the one tryin to keep us closer. but it was futile. that moment when i grabbed her swing, that moment when we were actually close, i didn't feel close at all. it was really, so close, yet so far. there was always a barrier. that table that held the cup of ice cream. that sweet sweet ice cream, yes we loved it, but what held it kept us apart. so many times, the moments when we could eat it really were too short. in the end, the ice cream depleted. and we left.
suraj and zl, both told me to tell her about what i felt about her friends. but i couldn't. i really couldn't. they told me that if i don't tell her, she would never know, and it would get worse. but how the heck am i supposed to? i dun wanna end up like glenn. "why does food that taste so good always bad for you?" thats in my syf script. and now i really understand what that means.
i really love you. i really do. i want to hang on, i want us to last. but sometimes, desires cannot be fufilled when the feeling isn't mutual. zl said he never dates younger girlsm and said this was why. because they would never understand whatever goes behind the scenes, that things arn't always just what they think it is. they need a thrid person to tell them, but them accepting it is a totally different thing. i told zl and raj that i think i'm just being oversensitive. but they said no, it really is a cause to worry about. i dunno what to do. i nver felt so lost. in all my life, i'm always the one who is objective, the one who people turn to, the one who can immedietely find a solution for people's relationship problems. why can't i see mine, why can't i help myself? i need a cynric. i really do.
you know, my fellow actors told me before, its always so hard to tear when you want to. but lemme tell you, its so much harder to hold them in.
